Questions and Answers, Part 2.

Here I am, back at Cyberspace again. I’m using up the rest of the time that I have left here. At the current moment, things aren’t going so hot for me in this life. After thinking about the things I typed last night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I normally have some, anyways, but it was especially difficult last night (especially in the driver’s seat of your own car). I find myself short of cash, without a job (though I’m supposed to have an interview with Dominos at some point today), with nowhere to go, and alone. Though this is the situation I’m in, it’s completely my fault. There is no one else culpable but myself. I’ve considered moving back home, but that requires money (which I’ve already asked for from my parents twice now).

If I move back home, I will never hear the end of the derisive remarks from my family. The lectures, laughing, loathsome dialogue, and “I-Told-You-So’s” would be relentless. The challenge to this is, if I stay here, things are going to hit rock bottom before they pick up.

I DID get a small glimmer of hope in moving back home. My grandparents (before I moved originally) offered to let me move into one of the houses (that the company owns) that we normally put VIP clients in if they need a place to have an extended stay. They said I could negotiate on paying rent or utilities (which, in Texas, is basically paying rent again). They also said that they’d give me a job in one of the stores (one of the restaurants, called “Prince Bistro”, the company owns) as a manager. Sounds like one heck of a deal, doesn’t it? Yeah, it is.

Why don’t you take that deal that you had offered to you, stupid?

Well, from my walk through life, I’ve realized that when things are too good to be true, then something is false. Something close to this offered happened to me at an earlier point in my life (when I moved into an apartment with a couple other people back in Texas). My grandparents offered to give me a place to stay for a while if I wanted to move. They also offered me my job back (which, ironically was closing manage/cashier/cook for the flagship Prince Bistro store), because I had previously quit it. Right when I moved out of that apartment, heading for that deal, they wisk it from underneath me. After some investigation after the fact, I found out my parents had put them up to it. My grandparents didn’t want to do it, but did it because my mom pretty much made them (partially my dad, too, but knowing him, he played it off like he didn’t). I’ve always been wary of things people offer me, but this one thing mademe almost not take anything anyone offered me. That’s why I’m really dragging my feet on this offer I was given, because it may be just another ploy to gain my trust, then bury the axe in the already-salted wound in my back.

Why aren’t you happy that someone wants to give you things?

In all honesty, I am. I’m glad someone cares enough to want to make things go better for me. It’s really nice to know that fact. I want to do it on my own at the same time, though. Mostly, I have a hard time trusting someone who gives me something, because I’ve found it’s been used against me later on (whether it’s my doing, in which case I just accept it, or not). Not always the case, of course, but that’s been most of my experience. The truth is, I want to be given things. I want to be given opportunities, choices, decisions, challenges, puzzles, and prizes. I just want to feel like I’ve earned it, and not because “It’s the right thing to do” or (in the case of my parents) “Here ya go, because you obviously want something.”

Why haven’t you lived up to your potential?

This question has been asked to me on numerous occasions. Believe it or not, it was asked more by myself than anyone else. The answer is: Because I’m scared.

I kind of know what my potential is already. I’ve seen both ends of the spectrum, in this case. I’ve thought about it at great length and as pragmatically as possible. What I’ve seen on the light side is really nice. I’ve seen the seemingly impossible tasks I could accomplish. Things I should be doing with my life. Opportunities that I could be taking. All the great things I could be doing. Even with all of that success I could be having, what’s the cost? After looking at it, I could be successful, but I would be assuredly married to my job or whatever I did. I’d also be a bland person, only known for the thing I was successful in. There is a flip side to this hero story, however. I’ve also seen what things I am capable of when the chips are down and I’m desperate to get something. I’ve always been known to be very even-tempered around people. When on the dark side, I’m the ultimate poker player. I’ll can decieve while keeping a completely straight face. One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that my hands don’t shake. My heart rate could be off the charts, I could be nervous as all Hell, I could be mad as a hornet, I could be about ready to lose it, but my hands don’t shake. They are completely still. My body doesn’t give anything away. I will resort to the underhanded to get what I want. Imagine the Joker’s mentality in “The Dark Knight”. That’s pretty much me. The dark side doesn’t so much want personal gain or satisfaction. It’s more about just watching the world burn.

To quote the movie:

“Do I really look like a man with a plan, Harvey? I don’t have a plan. The mob has plans, the cops have plans. You know what I am, Harvey? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one. I just do things. I’m a wrench in the gears. I hate plans. Yours, theirs, everyone’s. Maroni has plans. Gordon has plans. Schemers trying to control their worlds. I am not a schemer. I show schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So when I say that what happened to you and your girlfriend wasn’t personal, you know I’m telling the truth.

It’s a schemer who put you where you are. You were a schemer. You had plans. Look where it got you. I just did what I do best-I took your plan and turned it on itself. Look what I have done to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple bullets. Nobody panics when the expected people get killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying. If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. But when I say one little old mayor will die, everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I am an agent of chaos.

And you know the thing about chaos, Harvey?

It’s fair.”

~ by LB on July 5, 2009.